Letters and Blog Posts
Why you shouldn't say "Good Job" (and what to say, instead)
Dear J&J,
My husband and I LOVE your book. I really love how you present a concept and then provide concrete examples of how to use the tools. This has made it very easy for my husband and me to use your book’s skills in real life!
My husband and I have been having a bit of disagreement about the practical application of one of your concepts. In your book, you provide support for staying away from praising outcome and instead commenting on the process or what we observe. We both agree that this concept is really beneficial overall. Where we diverge is on the frequency with which we praise outcome. My husband has interpreted your book to mean to never (or almost never) say “good job” or related phrases commenting on successes. I think there are situations where we may want to use “good job” for encouragement or to show our kids they are on the right path.
For example, our daughter, Maya, has recently started fearing the bathtub. We have made some small successes each night. Tonight, I really wanted to say “good job Maya, you’re doing great!” (and I actually did say this). My husband thinks I should avoid this phrase in almost every situation including this bathtub scenario. I can see his argument, but I also feel like just commenting on the process is lacking here, and what she really needed was positive support or validation to keep going. I know that if it were me, I would want someone to tell me “great job!” My husband thinks that this starts to set the precedent to look to others for validation.
What are your thoughts about this? We would love some clarification! Are there ever situations where it might be helpful to use a phrase like “good job”?
I hope this email reaches you! Again thank you for writing such an amazing book. We hope to hear from you!
Best,
A mom trying to do a “great job”!
Hi AMTTDAGJ,
Thank you so much for your kind words about our book! We’re so glad it’s been helpful.
As for your question, it sounds like you have a sense that simple description is not quite enough, and you want to validate your daughter’s accomplishments with more encouragement and enthusiasm
As you know, we’re not fans of the phrase “good job” because when someone says that to us it feels like we’re being evaluated rather than appreciated. Brooke might not feel like what she did was so “good.” Your evaluation may not match up with her inner experience. If she’s scared of the water, that evaluation could feel pressureful.
So let’s think about ways to acknowledge your daughter’s progress in overcoming her fear in a way that makes her feel strong and understood.
Here are a few options.
1. Describe what you see, with enthusiastic appreciation. “You put your whole toe in the water! All the way up to the second toe knuckle!”
Or, when you need something short and sweet, instead of “good job” you can say with enthusiasm, “You did it!” which puts the emphasis on her achievement rather than your evaluation. And then if you want to wax eloquent, go on to describe what she did. “You got your ENTIRE body into the tub!” and even invite some celebration, “Gimme a high five, girl!!!”
2. Describe progress. “Last week you were dipping your toes in the water, and this week you put your whole foot in. That’s progress! Look how wet your ankle is. It’s so wet it could be the ankle of a fish… if fish had ankles.”
3. Describe effort: “Even though baths are NOT your favorite activity, you still soaped up all five toes, and scrubbed them clean.”
4. Acknowledge feelings by telling the story of what happened.
“Ooh, wow, you really didn’t want to get in the bathtub — it reminds you of that time you were swimming and you got water up your nose, and that felt really horrible because you couldn’t breathe. It hurt and it was scary! It made you feel like never going near water… ever again!
“But then your mom and dad kept bugging you about taking a bath and cleaning the applesauce out of your hair and the dirt off your knees. So even though you didn’t feel like it, you gave it a try. You brought your dolls to keep you company, and then you started with your big toe. You stuck it in the water for 5 whole seconds…etc, etc.”
All of these responses will help your daughter feel understood, feel motivated to keep on striving to overcome her fear, and feel proud of herself for her incremental accomplishments.
We hope you write back and let us know if any of these tools are helpful!
Warmly,
Joanna and Julie
Why you shouldn't say “I love you, but I don't like your behavior”
What do children really hear when we tell them “I love you, but I don’t like your behavior”? It comes across to kids an awful lot like “I love you but I don’t like you…. I mean, I know I’m SUPPOSED to love you because I’m your parent and it’s my duty to love you, but frankly I can’t can’t stand being around you. You are a massive pain in the neck! I do not actually LIKE you as a person.”
It is not helpful to a child for adults to painstakingly differentiate our feelings about them (what about them? their inner soul?) and about how they behave. How would you feel if your partner told you, “Hey Honey, you know I love you dearly, but I really don’t like the sound of your voice right now.” You’d probably rather hear, “Hey Honey, it’s hard for me to finish writing this email while you’re talking on the phone near me.”
When a kid is doing something that we find upsetting, let’s not bring love into it. We can address the problem without making a judgment about how lovable (and yet unlikeable) they are.
Here’s how:
Instead of…
“You are my precious beloved, but I don’t like your behavior of throwing blocks at the window!”
…we can say:
“Oh!! (It’s always nice to start with a loud sound when your kid is doing something alarming and you need to get their attention quickly. Also it can give you a few seconds to think…) “I can’t let you throw blocks in the house. Blocks can break windows!”
And if that information does not suffice, you can put the blocks away, either for the day, or up in a box in the attic for a few months until your kid gets past that throwing stage.
Instead of…
“Sweetie, you know I adore you to pieces, but I hate the way you yank your sister’s hair when you want to get her toys away from her!”
we can say…
“Oh!! I can’t let you pull your sister’s hair! That hurts her! It looks like you both want to play with the same doll. Let’s see if we can figure out what to do….”
And then you can engage them in looking around for more dolls, or furniture (unpack the blocks!) to make for the doll, or a timer so they can take turns with the favored doll. It’s an opportunity to practice the critical life skill of problem-solving and peaceful conflict resolution.
~ ~ ~
In short, avoid making each instance of misbehavior a test of our love for our children. Don’t issue confusing proclamations of love for your children, when you are demonstrably deeply irritated with them. Instead, stick to talking about the problem and focusing on how to solve it.
Save your endearments for those moments when you are genuinely feeling loving.
Acknoweldging my three-year-olds' feelings isn't helping. HELP!
Dear Joanna and Julie,
I’ve tried acknowledging my daughter’s feelings for over a year now (she’s three) and it consistently doesn’t work. Just today our dialogue went like this:
(She fell and hurt her knee)
Daughter: (crying) Momma!
Me: I saw that you fell. I bet that hurt.
Daughter: (crying) NO! It didn’t hurt.
Me: It’s okay if it hurts at first.
Daughter: It doesn’t hurt! I didn’t fall!
Me: Oh! You didn’t fall?
Daughter: No! I never fall.
Me: I bet you wish you never fell.
Daughter: (growing more upset): I really never fall!!
Me: Would you like a hug?
Daughter: No! Nothing!
Every time I try to talk to her by acknowledging her feelings, she denies everything and repeats the words “no, nothing, never, or no one”. Am I doing something wrong? Is it possible that this approach doesn’t work for some children? Is she too young for this strategy?
Please advise!
Frustrated Mom
*****
Dear F.M.,
Kids are so different! My first son was a perfect illustration of the “acknowledging feeling” skills in action. No matter what tragedy befell him, from a bump on the head to a broken lego spaceship, an emphatic statement of emotion always helped. “Ouch, that must hurt! Let me give it a kiss.” “Oh, what a disappointment! You worked a long time on that.” The tears would dry, the clouds would clear, the sun would shine again, and Dan was off to his next misadventure.
I felt so sure of myself, until son number two came along with a completely different sensibility. As a toddler when he suffered a bump, he did not want to hear that “bumps can hurt.” He was so upset that adding words to the experience overloaded his system. He would scream as if I had poured salt in the wound. When something precious broke, he needed time to mourn on his own before processing any other input. Again, words of intended comfort made him scream.
I learned to minimize my responses, to make a sympathetic grunt or just a few brief words (stupid lego!) offer a quick kiss, or just leave him alone for a while, giving him time to deal with the powerful wave of emotion that overwhelmed him when he got upset. I found it helped to let him set his own timetable for when he wanted comfort. I’d say, “I’ll be in the kitchen. Come on in when you feel like it.” And then leave him to sob (against my own instincts) and to seek me out when he felt ready.
We read your story with great interest. Surely your warm and loving response to your injured child was the very textbook illustration of the skills we teach. But to your daughter it was irritating! She was too upset at the hurt and the very notion of falling to be able to take comfort from hearing those words. And yet she didn’t want to go it completely alone. She cried, “Mommy!”
What’s a “mommy” to do? We’d try following her lead. She wants comfort, but nothing explicit. Too soon! How about just an “Ugh,” and a quick kiss? Or a brief hug, combined with, “Poor little knee, do you want a bandaid?” Or just an acknowledgement with a word, “Oh, ouch!” and no touch at all.
Sometimes a child would rather hear about painful or uncomfortable subjects in the third person, through storybooks for example, rather than face them head on when experiencing them personally. She may enjoy stories of heroic characters who put up with all kinds of bumps and bruises, yet soldier on to save the town or tame the dragon.
You’ll have to experiment with minimalism and see what works. We would love to hear back from you!
Too many tantrums
Dear Joanna and Julie,
I have just finished reading your book and I think it’s an amazing book! I have a 5-and-a-half-year-old son, “Kevin,” as well as a 2-year-old. “Kevin,” has always been a difficult child for me. He always has temper tantrums (like every hour) over tiny matters. He says he is very angry and he needs love from me. For example, when I don’t answer his question immediately or when I raise my voice he starts to wind up and say ‘I am angry!’ Sometimes he throws things . He always says ‘Mummy please give me love’. If I ignore him, it turns into a 30 min temper tantrum disaster. If I sit him on my lap and give him a kiss or hug and try to do the tools , he is ok.
The thing is, because he does it so often, I find it impossible to have the patience, and also I don’t think a 5-year-old boy should be having so many tantrums! I want to know what exactly should I do when he has a meltdown? Telling him I really don’t like to see anyone being angry doesn’t seem to lessen his tantrum. And I have been using the tools for a few weeks now. Please help!
Yours truly,
Tired of Tantrums
*****
Hi ToT,
It sounds like your son is feeling very needy of your attention right now, and you are feeling pretty frustrated. A temper tantrum every hour is a lot to take!
From what I understand, Kevin is actually pretty articulate about what he needs – love and attention! And when you sit with him on your lap and give him hugs and acknowledge feelings, it really helps. But you don’t want to have to do that a dozen times a day, and with a five-year-old, it certainly feels like he should be able to function without quite that much attention.
I’m guessing that with a two-year-old brother taking up his mom’s attention, Kevin may be feeling extra needy of some babying, while at the same time you are feeling extra needful of Kevin acting like a big boy. Two-year-olds are so demanding! The problem is, the more you press Kevin to be the big boy and not to need so much attention, the clingier and more desperate he will feel. The more we push away, the more they grab on. I went through this with my middle child, who went through a clingy, fearful stage. I became so frustrated; I was always acting impatient with him. A friend kindly told me that my impatience was making my son more clingy. I was working against myself.
So how can you muster the patience to give Kevin what he needs, and ultimately give him the strength and confidence not to need quite so much babying, while retaining your own sanity?
I am going to suggest that you throw yourself into babying Kevin. Invite him into your lap. Tell him he’s your super baby who can run and jump and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The strongest baby in the world! Acknowledge all his feelings (“Sometimes you like your little brother, but sometimes it’s a pain in the neck to have a two-year-old around. You miss the good old days when you were the only baby!”)
Give him ways to help out. Maybe he can read a picture book to his little brother, or blow soap bubbles for him to pop, or build blocks towers for him to topple. Then use your praise and appreciation tools to help Kevin feel good about his role as an older brother. “I see a big smile on your brother’s face! He really likes it when you read to him.”
Resist the urge to tell him that you “don’t like to see him being angry.” As you noticed, that doesn’t work. He needs to feel accepted and loved even when he’s angry, just as we all want to be accepted and loved, even when we’re frustrated with our children. We wouldn’t want someone to tell us, “Hey, I don’t like to see parents who are frustrated with their children!” It would make us feel wrong and bad about ourselves.
But what about when you’re at the end of your rope, after the 5th or 6th tantrum of the day? What about those times you just don’t have it in you to be loving and patient?
Tell him how you feel, without making him feel bad about himself:
“Kevin, I can see you need some loving and hugs. Mommy doesn’t have the patience right now for that. My patience is the size of a tiny little pea. You can come sit with me in the kitchen while I make dinner, and I’ll be knowing how sad you are while I cut these carrots. After dinner my patience will be bigger, maybe the size of a watermelon, and we can sit down together and hug and read stories.”
Or maybe you can ask him to show you his feelings in art. “Kevin, I have to diaper your brother right now, so I can’t sit down with you. But I want to know how you feel. Can you show me with the crayons? … Wow, look at those blue and black lines zooming around. That shows me how mad you are! Show me more…”
No doubt there will be plenty of times when you don’t feel the patience to use any skills at all. That’s just because we’re human. We can’t expect 100%. But the more times you are able to accept your son’s feelings, either by cuddles or just in words, the more he will relax. And eventually he will start to have fewer tantrums, and feel more confident and sunny.
A praiseworthy question
Dear J&J,
I am trying to avoid evaluative praise with my 2 yo son. I usually say “Good job!”, “Yay!”, or “I am so proud of you!”
I have been working on describing his accomplishments. But I still find myself saying “Way to go! You put the wipes away all by yourself!” Or “Yay! You worked very hard to put that puzzle together.”
Are “yay” and “way to go” still evaluative?
Thank you!
Signed,
Mom in the cheering section
Dear MITCS,
It sounds to me that in the case of the puzzle, you are sharing your son’s enthusiasm for his accomplishment when you say “Yay! You did it!” This doesn’t sound to me like evaluative praise.
In the case of the wipes, perhaps you’ve asked him for help with clean up? In that case, you might respond, “Thank you for putting the wipes away! That was a big help to me.” (Now you’re using the tool, “Describe the Effect on Others”.)
On the other hand, if putting the wipes away was a challenge he decided to take on by himself, and this time he was able to do it without any help, “Way to go!” is a nice way to share his sense of accomplishment.
As you’ve noticed, sometimes it can be tricky to figure out whether a word or phrase comes across as evaluative or not. When in doubt, I look for a “try it on yourself” example. Here’s what I came up with for this question:
Imagine you have a leaky toilet. Instead of picking up the phone to call the plumber (at great expense!) you decide to try your hand at fixing it yourself. After studying a few DIY videos on YouTube you manage to stop the leak! You are triumphant! Your friend walks in just as you are cleaning up, and seeing your accomplishment says, “Yay! Way to go!” Do you appreciate your friend’s enthusiasm? (I do.)
But what if, instead of your own toilet, it’s the boss’s toilet, and your boss asks you to take a look, since the plumber isn’t available until tomorrow. When you figure out the problem and fix the leak, would you appreciate hearing from your boss “Way to go!” Or would you prefer to hear “Thank you — that’s a huge help. I really appreciate it.” (I like this second response better.)
Let me know if this explanation is helpful!
Why you shouldn't say "YOU"
Hi Joanna and Julie,
We had a question come up this morning in the study group I’m leading based on your book. In the chapter on Engaging Cooperation one of the tools is “describe how you feel.” Readers are advised to avoid the word, “you.” This seems to be in conflict with the commonly-accepted statement (purported to be an assertive, respectful way to state your feelings) of, “when you ___, I feel ____.”
Is there a way to reconcile this? Is it simply that there are two (and probably many more!) viewpoints on this matter? We’d appreciate any insight!
Thank you!
Signed,
When you answer, I’ll feel happy!
Hi WYAIFH,
We’ve got to agree with you, there are many viewpoints on this matter! We’re going to suggest that you try it on yourself and see how it feels. Imagine that you’re in a group and the leader says the following to you in front of everybody:
“When you chat in the back of the room I find it hard to hear the questions from the group.”
vs
“It’s hard to hear the questions from the group when there’s more than one person talking at the same time.” (This may lead to more discussion, such as, “I know there are a lot of things to discuss. Should we save some time at the end for general socializing and small group discussion?”)
or
“When you get here late we can’t start on time, and that makes everyone else feel frustrated.”
vs
“It’s frustrating to start late, especially for the folks who have to get home on time for babysitters.” (This may lead to more discussion, such as, “Can we figure out a starting time that will work for everyone’s needs?”)
Are you feeling it? The YOU puts a person on the spot and makes him or her feel accused. Avoiding the YOU may seem indirect, but there is a very different feeling to it. It is a more neutral presentation that invites the listener to help solve the problem without making her feel called out or embarrassed and resentful (“Hey, why are you singling me out? Other people were talking too!” “I’m not the only one who’s late. Besides there was a lot of traffic. Why are you being so hung up about time?”)
We picked fairly mild conflicts for these examples. If you think about the emotional issues that come up with children it becomes even more important to describe the problem without accusing.
“When you do that to your brother he always gets hurt!” (Child thinks, “I’m rough and mean.” Or “But he did the same to me!”)
vs
“Your brother got hurt. He doesn’t like having his arm squeezed!” (This might lead to more discussion, “What can we do to make him feel better?” Or perhaps the child will respond, “He squeezed my arm first!” In which case the parent can reply, “Oh, you didn’t like having YOUR arm squeezed either. We need an idea for what to do in a case like this so nobody’s arm gets hurt.”)
Please write back and let us know if this was helpful!
Best,
Joanna and Julie
How to apologize for bopping my child
Hi guys,
I’m loving your book. I need a little help.
I swore I would never spank my child. However easier said than done. I’ve lost my cool several times in her life, more so now that she is older. Pinching, popping on the head, nothing crazy but still nothing I want to do as a parent! How do I apologize for this to her in a way she understands? She’s almost 3. And I don’t want to just say sorry, I want her to understand that I don’t mean it! Please help. The way I’ve been saying sorry so far reminds me of an abuser who says sorry afterwards, it’s not right! I promise I am not abusing her or have done anything really badly, but I don’t want to use physical punishment at all! She says “that’s not nice, don’t hit me” when I do it. How can I address this in a healthy way??? Please and thank you!!!
Signed,
A Bopper
* * *
Dear Bopper,
Is the tooth fairy real?
Click to check out this article in Romper.com about the tooth fairy, in which we are quoted extensively.
Send us your questions and stories with this form! (click to open)
Send us your questions and stories with this form! (click to open)